The other day Chartroose referred to me as the notorious softdrink. I told her I felt like a rapper. I was thinking Notorious S had a certain ring to it, although after I thought about it some more (yes, I need a life) Notorious F.I.Z. sounds even better. Then I decided I needed a song. Unfortunately, I have no musical ability, and my poetic skills are missing in action, too. Luckily, the internet was there for me. I went searching for some rap lyrics that sounded familiar and that I could ummmm, personalize…yeah, that’s the word. So, I present to you…
Notorious F.I.Z, as inspired by Eminem*:
Hi!
My name is (what?)
My name is (who?)
My name is (chika-chika) Softdrink
Hi!
My name is (ha?)
My name is (what?)
My name is (chika-chika) Softdrink
Excuse me?
Can I have the attention of the class, for one second?
Hi kids, do you like reading books?
Wanna see me try to rap? Take a look.
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?
End up wearin’ glasses over your eyelids?
My brain’s dead weight.
I’m tryin’ to set my words straight, but I can’t figure out
which author I wanna imitate.
Chartroose said “Softdrink, you an asshat**.”
“Don’t be like Doprah. Don’t read that.”
Since I was a kid I’ve been a bookworm
Don’t wanna play, I’d rather read about wheatgerm
Stayed up late, but not on a date
I had to read one more page
Tellin’ me to turn off the light just sent me into a rage
I take a look and read a book
Faster than Snoop Dogg
I write a review on my blog.
My English teacher wanted me to read plays in junior high.
The only problem was,
It didn’t fly ‘cause Will was too dry.
All I remember is a merchant
Man that play is really ancient.
Today I took a little detour
Into the bookstore
Flashed the cashier my discount card
Found some new authors, hopefully no blowhards.
I’m currently reading Klosterman
He talks about tribute bands, when basketballs change hands
Wonder if he dances the can-can.
I just found out my mom reads more books than I do.
Wait, that’s not true.
I told her I’d grow up to be a famous author.
Write a book about lunch ladies, and name it after her
She said thank you.
You know you read too much when the doctor thinks he’s clever
Tells you your eyesight’s no better
How come I can’t see any of the letters?
It’s quite the bummer
But this verse is over.
Stop the tape!
This kid needs a book.
Don’t just stand there, take a look
In the bookstore
Or the library by the shore.
What to read next? I can barely decide.
I just read Eggers,
Dare me to deride?
All my life I’ve been sleep deprived.
I stay up late, I won’t be denied.
My palms are always holding a book
I’d rather stay in my PJ’s in my reading nook.
I squint when I look
into the distance
Too many years reading, for instance.
I lay awake dreaming up new endings
‘Cause I don’t like some of the author’s renderings
And by the way, I know I’m bad
I can’t rhyme
It makes me sad.
*This is no way an endorsement of Eminem and rap lyrics, which I generally find to be misogynistic, homophobic, demeaning crap.
**Chartroose didn’t really call me an asshat. Other people, yes. Me, no.
Now THAT is funny! You go F.I.Z!!! And to think, I almost missed this post b/c I’m supposed to be leaving for the airport now … good thing I’m running late.
I think all that carbonation has gone to your head. I mean that in the nicest way possible of course.
Nothing like a little comic relief in the middle of the day! Thanks for that!
Notorious F.I.Z.!
Excellent lyrics — between your Lovecraft story and this rap, I think you have a future in plagarism … em, writing “inspired by” other authors.
Now, we really need a video to go with this (raise your hand if you remember when MTV showed music videos!)
Ok, F.I.Z., you’ve just got me in trouble because I am reading this at work (I know, I know, I shouldn’t be) and you made laugh out loud. At the reference desk. Sigh.
“I’d rather read about wheatgerm.”
Ha! This is great! I’m going to have to write one about you too, just not right now. I have to think of an obscene one, because, ya’ know, they’re more fun.
HAHAHAHA! Freakin’ awesome!
Eminem better watch out. You might rap him out of a job
That is terrific. My favorite line: “I stay up late. I won’t be denied.”
FUN!!
Softdrink, you are awesome.
HA! How awesome!
But I have to know – Did you sing it aloud to get the lyrics to fit so well?
Yo, thanks for all the compliments.
Joanne – no way! I don’t sing. Although the “my name is softdrink” line has been replaying over and over in my head.
AMAZING!
I remember the days when I had every single Eminem album memorized.
haha.
WOW.
Fizzy Fiz in the house!!! I love it!!!
OMG That was hilarious! Although I don’t really agree with Eminem’s lyrcis, I do like his music so I was “singing” that to the tune as I was reading it. You’re a riot!
AH HA HA HA HA!! *can’t type…too busy laughing*
dayuummmM! I can’t stop laughing
I read it twice – somethings I didn’t reallyunderstand… but most things made me go LOL!
I was expecting a video with u singing this for us
that would have been more FUN!
Your name is (chika-chika) Softdrink!
Awesome