As much as I would like to treat all monsters equally, I just can’t. And as much as I usually prefer female authors, this time I can’t do that, either. I got so frustrated with Frankenstein that I subjected my friend Rochelle to a rant about it. It went something like this:
SD: Frankenstein isn’t even the name of the monster. That’s the scientist! The monster is just The Creature.
SD: And there’s no Igor!
R: No Igor??
SD: Okay, so there’s this scientist (Frankenstein) and he goes away to college and he creates this Creature. And then he’s all “Ack! What have I done?” And he runs away. And The Creature runs away. But then The Creature turns back up, and he starts killing off Frankenstein’s (the scientist) family. And Frankenstein (the scientist) is all “Oh woe is me, what have I done?” and he’s majorly depressed and all boo-hoo and his family coddles him but he can’t tell them what he’s done. And The Creature threatens to keep offing the family unless Frankenstein (the scientist) makes him a companion so he has someone to love, because everyone hates him. And the scientist (Frankenstein) is all “Hell no.” But then he says okay. Then he goes to England and Ireland for two years to make The Creature a creature. On his father’s dime.
R: Ah, the bride.
SD: Except there’s no Igor! So he makes the female creature. Monster. Whatever. Except then he sees The Creature peeking in the window and he kills it. No, wait, it’s not alive yet. He destroys it. Then he runs. And gets sick again. Because his BFF turns up dead. So he’s all “Woe is me, blah, blah, blah.” Then he goes back home to marry his cousin, who’s like a sister because she was raised with his family.
SD: Except The Creature has promised that Bad Shit will happen on his wedding night, so he’s all “Oh woe is me.” Again. And then they get married. And the cousin/wife is killed by The Creature on their wedding night.
SD: And then his dad dies of grief, and his brother Ernest disappears. The Creature promised to kill off the entire family, bit I never did figure out what, if anything, happened to brother Ernest. That bugs. Then they take off chasing each other across the Arctic, and Frankenstein (the scientist) is picked up by a ship (it’s the captain who is telling this story to his sister, as Frankenstein (the scientist) told it to him…see, it’s a story within a story within a story) or a boat or maybe it’s a ship. Whatever. Then he tells the story and he dies and The Creature shows up and is all “Oh woe…” and then he vows to go off and build a big funeral pyre and jump into it.
SD: Oh, and The Creature is really, really well-spoken. He uses big words.
R: He doesn’t go Arrr??
And okay, since I didn’t tape record my rant, this is a very loose reconstruction, and Rochelle has more intelligent things to say than “What?!?”, although I’m pretty sure she did toss a few in. Especially when it came to the whole name thing, and the cousin love.
This is what happens when I read classics. I get so annoyed I can’t take them seriously. I’ll try to be more serious when I write my Dracula post and compare the two novels, although I’m pretty sure you can already guess which monster I prefer.