A Voyage Long and Strange

A Voyage Long and Strange
Tony Horwitz
2008
390 pages

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For my special friends at the FTC: You know, you could send me a book. And I could disclose that you sent it to me. Wouldn’t that be fun? No? Okay, fine, I’ll keep buying most of my books, just like I did this one.

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This is the story of the Europeans who stumbled upon and through North America BEFORE the Pilgrims showed up. A bit perturbed that the Pilgrims get all the glory, Horwitz decided to set the record straight and write a book about all those other guys (and the occasional woman) who settled in the Caribbean and North America before the Pilgrims landed (and not on the rock, by the way). Horwitz starts with the Norse, moves on to the Spanish and French, and then ends with the English. Along the way he details many of the catastrophes that these explorers brought upon themselves or incited (such as starvation, Indian attacks, starvation, extermination of Indian tribes through disease, starvation, slavery, starvation…). The book is alternately entertaining and appalling. Horwitz is pretty unflinching in his descriptions of hardship and atrocities, but he also pokes fun of himself (and others) in his modern day visits to historical sites.

Sometimes I find it difficult to review non-fiction books. It’s not that I don’t love them like I do fiction (I do), but they often contain so much info that it becomes difficult to know where to start, and what all to include. So I’m resorting to the old “list the chapters” method. A bit uninspired (not to mention long), I know, but it’s the best I can do.

Chapter 1 – Vinland: In which the Norse explore and establish settlements in Greenland and Newfoundland and the author explores the remains of an old Norse settlement in Newfoundland.

Chapter 2 – 1492: All about Columbus and his voyages. Also about what a terrible administrator Columbus was. Also also…most people did not still believe the world was flat. I’m sure that Horwitz would want me to mention that.

Chapter 3 – Santo Domingo: The first Spanish settlement in the New World was Santo Domingo, in the present day country of the Dominican Republic. The author searches out a few Columbus landmarks, including El Faro a Colon, the Columbus Lighthouse, a huge monstrosity built to honor Columbus. Only problem…when it’s lit up, all the other electricity in Santo Domingo fails. So, it stays unlit.

Chapter 4 – Dominican Republic: Horwitz continues with his adventures in the Dominican Republic and learns that it is very, very, very muggy, and difficult to accomplish anything, as people tend to blow him off. He does get to go on a road trip to see the Holy Hole, though. Seriously, there’s a Holy Hole. Evidently, the sign at the site reads “In this very place according to a very old tradition, Christopher Columbus on March 25, 1495, planted a tall cross.” I don’t think I’ll be adding that to my places to visit list.

Chapter 5 – The Gulf Coast: The Spanish begin to explore North America and the Cibola legend takes off. In other words, gold fever strikes the conquistadors.

Chapter 6 – The Southwest: Horwitz follows in Coronado’s footsteps. Wait, no, that’s not right. He tries to travel Coronado’s path, only in a car….from Mexico to the Zuni Pueblo.

Chapter 7 – The Plains: In which explorers go exploring the Plains and some people get lost in the tall grasses…never to be seen again. Creepy. Horwitz meets (and eats) some buffalo.

Chapter 8 – The South: All about Hernando de Soto. While I’m not particularly fond of any of the conquistadors, I do believe de Soto is my least favorite. Instead of slash-and-burn agriculture, picture slash-and-burn conquistadoring. Actually, maybe don’t picture it.

Chapter 9 – The Mississippi: This has nothing to do with the book, but did anyone else’s grandma teach them that the proper way to spell Mississippi is M-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-crooked letter-crooked letter-I-hunchback-hunchback-I?

Chapter 10 – Florida: Horwitz rants about the tourist trap that is St. Augustine. Also, we learn that French Huguenots established a fort just up the coast even before the Spanish settled in St. Augustine. How do you like them apples, St. Augustine?

Chapter 11 – Roanoke: Still a mystery.

Chapter 12 – Jamestown: John Smith never married Pocahontas. In fact, he never married anyone. He did escape slavery in Tartary by bashing in his master’s brains. And he was a hairy little dude. In fact, there’s a pretty scary picture of him on page 331 that might just give me nightmares. However, he was a fairly effective leader. After he left Jamestown, starvation set in…one settler even butchered his pregnant wife. I’m sure you didn’t want to hear that, but truth in reviewing, that’s my motto.

Chapter 13 – Plymouth: I’ve rattled on long enough, so let’s just say the whole rock thing is a myth.

The End